My greatest fear is public speaking and somehow I ended up on TV

exposure therapy on the Kelly Clarkson Show!!!

One Tuesday afternoon, I got a call from a random phone number.

“Hi, is this Erin? My name is Olivia with the Kelly Clarkson show. Is this a good time?”

Long story short, my husband and I bought an old laundromat and renovated it. We wanted it to be a warm and welcoming environment, with books and green laundry machines. I’d made a video about it, a producer saw it, and now Kelly Clarkson wanted to interview us on her show.

The initial excitement wore off when I realized: if we went on the Kelly Clarkson Show, we’d have to be on the Kelly Clarkson Show. I’d have to speak in front of an audience, on camera, for lots and lots of people to see.

My husband Jon is great at public speaking. But I have a recurring nightmare of being on a stage with no idea what I’m performing (I have this dream probably once a week). In college, my freshman speech class gave me heart palpitations. My speeches at weddings were always embarrassing. I freeze. I forget what I’m saying, I get dry mouth, my hands start shaking. I try my best and just get through it. Being on national TV was actually the scariest thing I could possibly imagine.

But we would also be crazy to say no to the opportunity. So two weeks later, we were on a 6am flight from Charleston to New York City with Steve, who’s worked at our laundromat for 11 years (long before we ever owned it!), and would also be part of our segment.

Here’s a play-by-play of our whirlwind two days in New York.

TUESDAY (day before the show)

3:30 am: wake up

Jon and I sleep about one hour. We’re up until 1 am packing, working, and freaking out. I’m sick to my stomach with stress and nerves. I can’t imagine it going well, and I just want to fast-forward to being back in my bed two days later.

4:15 am: Pick up Steve and check into our 6am flight

We pick Steve up from his house. Unlike me, Steve is not nervous at all. He’s in his 60’s, and also an elder at the church across from the laundromat, so he’s no stranger to public speaking. He’s also originally from Harlem, so he’s excited to get back to the city.

8:00 am: Land in Newark and get picked up by Victor

When we land, I get this adorable text from Victor, our driver. He greets us in a freshly-pressed suit with a tiny American flag pinned to his lapel. He loads our luggage into a big black SUV that looks very presidential, and drives us to Connecticut (yes, Connecticut!).

In pre-interviews, our producer had noticed Steve was missing a bottom tooth, so NBC arranged for him to get a new tooth before the show. He was so excited when she asked if it’s something he’d like. He said, “It would make my day!” When we landed, we went straight to the dentist (who turned out to be in Connecticut).

It was only two hours from the airport, so it wasn’t a bad drive. Victor works for the car service that picks up celebrities like J Lo, Sylvester Stallone and Tom Cruise. He tells rapid-fire jokes that we can’t quite understand, but he makes himself laugh so hard he swerves all over the road. He holds eye contact in the rear view as he laughs, and his laugh is so funny it makes us laugh.

10:00: eat bagels in Connecticut and Steve goes to the dentist

We’re running on an hour of sleep, but our first stop in Connecticut is for an egg, avocado, and cheese bagel (it heals me). Steve goes to his dentist appointment, and it’s quick (it was his bottom tooth so you can’t see from the picture). It’s so cool NBC used their funds to get him this care. He’s so excited and confident going into the interview!

Steve post-appointment!

As we wait, I keep imagining going on stage and getting full-body anxiety. It’s impossible for me to picture it going well, especially feeling so tired and unkempt. I keep saying to Jon, “I just want this to be over.” I keep picturing embarrassing myself on national TV. Jon isn’t feeling too nervous, so that helps a little bit.

1:00: drive back to the city and check into our hotel

I fall asleep in the back of the SUV, and wake up in Times Square. We check into our hotel, and lay in bed for 30 minutes. Then we grab pizza and hop into a Lyft, because I still don’t have an outfit to wear on the show.

The big question: what to wear on a talk show? I thought we’d have to wear something fancy, but our producer says to dress very casually (and that Kelly is normally in jeans). We’d be talking about our laundromat and the community that’s grown out of it, so we wanted our vibe to be fun, colorful, and retro.

I’d planned on wearing a white jumpsuit from Big Bud Press, but found out last minute that I couldn’t wear all-white because it messes with the lighting. Our producer said I could wear the same jumpsuit in a different color. Luckily, there’s a Big Bud Press in New York, so we went to pick one out in person!

I was torn between a few different colors, but ended up going with light blue. I loved the green one too, but I feel so myself in light blue. I’d also gotten these fun red flats from Madewell, and I thought they looked better with the blue. I text the three options to friends, and everyone agrees. Light blue it is!

the winner!

I tuck the jumpsuit into my tote bag, and we wander around the Lower East Side. It was a lovely warm afternoon, and people were sitting in the streets at cafe tables playing cards and dominoes. I start to relax and enjoy myself a bit. I’ve always loved the city, and it feels like such a privilege to be a part of something here. We sit and people watch, and I take a deep breath. I start to feel a *hint* of being excited.

6:00 pm: walk through Times Square with Steve

We head back to our hotel and meet up with Steve, who’s been napping while we ran our errand. Our hotel is right in Times Square, so we stroll through on our way to Rockefeller Plaza. We want to scope it out before tomorrow. Steve tells us some of his memories of the city (he got hit by a yellow cab in Times Square when he was 7 years old!), and we get Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

7:30 pm: walk to 30 Rock

As we walk up to Rockefeller Plaza, my heart starts skipping beats. I’ve been here so many times before on trips to New York—it’s such an important piece of the city, and such an honor. My anxiety is probably at its highest in this moment, especially when we see the four shows listed in front kiosk: Saturday Night Live, The Tonight Show, Late Night, and The Kelly Clarkson Show. How did we get here?

I ask Steve if he is nervous. He is not. I try to take some deep breaths.

10:00: We get our practice questions

We make a stop at Walgreens for snacks and head back to our hotel. We check email and find the sample questions from our producer. Now I’m definitely freaking out—there are not only questions, but suggested answers too. We’d done a 1.5 hour pre-interview last week, but our segment would be 12 minutes long with a commercial break.

At first, the answers felt a speech I had to memorize (and you know I HATE speeches). But my background is actually as a video producer, so then I simply started thinking like our producer. Suddenly the suggested answers were a lifeline. I knew exactly what they needed from me, and I could rehearse until I had it down. I finally start feeling relieved.

Jon felt the opposite—he is amazing on the fly, or with a written speech. This felt somewhere in-between, and not natural to him. We opened a bag of popcorn and quizzed each other on our questions until we knew every word.

12:00: go to bed

The show tapes at 3pm, but we don’t have to be at the studio until 1:45. I think this is a mistake, because even when you’re a bridesmaid for a wedding that happens at 3 o-clock, aren’t you supposed to get there at 6 am?? It is not a mistake. But I set my alarm for 7am so we have all morning.

WEDNESDAY (day of the show)

8:00: wake up

We hit snooze a dozen times, and then order a pot of coffee from room service. We run through our questions a few more times, and I text my sister Lauren. She and her husband AJ flew in from Denver to sit in the studio audience, and they landed late last night. My cousin Kim from San Francisco also happens to be in New York City with her family on spring break. NBC gave Kim, Lauren and AJ all VIP tickets.

I sit in my hotel windowsill with my noise-cancelling headphones, a cup of coffee, and my journal. I write down lots of prayers and start to feel a new sense of calm settle over me.

11:45: meet at the Cosmic Diner for brunch

Jon, Steve and I head to a diner around the corner to meet Lauren and AJ. We have more coffee and poached eggs, and they quiz us on the practice questions. We get through them with no problem, and I’m feeling prepared and a little more confident. Having my sister here is also a huge relief.

1:45: pack up at the hotel and head to 30 Rock

Lauren, AJ and Kim’s call time is sooner than ours for some reason, so they head to 30 Rock and we head back to our hotel. We wait there until 1:45 when Victor picks us up (we’re all very happy to see each other again).

At this point, I just feel like I’m floating through the day. It all feels very surreal, and things start to happen so fast that there’s no time for the anxiety to set in. Our car pulls up to Rockefeller Plaza, and someone walks us to our dressing room. We pass doors for “Tonight Show,” and the NBC team greets us at our dressing room. Everyone is so incredibly nice, and it puts us at ease right away. Lisa Vanderpump has a segment on today’s show, and her dressing room is right next to Steve’s.

Our dressing room is full of snacks, coffee, and drinks, but I’m too nervous to eat anything. I put on my blue jumpsuit but Earl, the fashion director, tells me right away to take it off so it doesn’t wrinkle. He also helps Jon decide on his final look (we’d had lots of different ideas, but Earl wanted to see them in person).

this was not Jon’s final look because it’s all white (vetoed by Earl)

3:00: the show starts (our segment is 3/4 of the way through)

We’re watching the show on the TV in our dressing room, and time is flying—Diego Luna goes on first. I see my sister and her husband on camera in the studio audience. Someone calls us into hair and makeup, and I bring my set of false lashes I got at Sephora. We weren’t told if we’d be getting hair and makeup done, so I didn’t want to assume. I’ve done my own makeup before for weddings and used false lashes from CVS, so I was ready to pull out all the stops with the nicest 12 dollar lashes Sephora had to offer.

I sit down in the makeup chair cradling my box of lashes. The makeup lady gently takes them from me and says very kindly, “Oh, you’re so cute.” They have a team of hair and makeup specialists and much better false lashes. Everyone is so nice and funny, and I still don’t feel nervous. Lisa Vanderpump sits in the makeup chair next to me. I have no idea what to do, so I just smile at her.

Hair and makeup is done in less than 10 minutes, and suddenly they’re putting on our mics and sending us towards the stage. Now I want to throw up. I’m positive that I’m going to throw up. Jon and I walk towards the studio door, and I pretend I’m not nervous. I ask Jon how he’s feeling, and he says good. Everything is a blur, and they open the doors. We walk onstage, and there’s a band playing and everything is bright. I see my sister, AJ, and Kim in the audience—it’s not as big of a crowd as I thought, which makes me feel better. Kelly Clarkson is greeting us with her arms out for a hug. We hug her and sit on the couch, and someone gives us water in a “Kelly Clarkson Show” mug.

The whole segment goes by very quickly and according to plan. She mostly asks the same questions that we rehearsed, and I try to remember to smile. She asks us about being digital nomads living in an RV, doing our laundry in laundromats. She asked us about buying the laundromat and fixing it up, and about the community events and free laundry days we do there now.

Suddenly it’s commercial break, and Kelly tells me she loves my red shoes. I tell her I love her show, and then all of a sudden we’re back on. She asks a few more questions, and then they cut to Steve, who’s sitting in the front row of the audience. They ask him his questions, and he absolutely nails them (of course).

Then, to our shock, Kelly tells us that Arm & Hammer has donated a huge amount of money to the laundromat so we can continue doing Free Laundry Days, and bring a giant check onstage. I am floored—I was hoping maybe we would get one free laundry day sponsored, but we weren’t expecting anything. This will cover so, so many free laundry days. I get tears in my eyes and they hand us the giant check. It all feels so surreal that they’d found our laundromat, brought us here and given to the community so generously.

4:40: finish taping

And then I realized: the show is over, and we’ve done it. Steve comes onstage and says “I love you Kelly, I’ve followed your career ever since American Idol!” We take pictures with Kelly, and then they bring my sister, AJ, and Kim onstage to walk back to our dressing room with us. I’m filled with adrenaline. It’s over! We did it! And it feels so very good to have faced this giant fear.

I guess exposure therapy is all about putting you face-to-face with your fears. Doing something I was so afraid of, and living through it, filled me with a different kind of confidence. It’s shifted the part of me that believed my fear of public speaking was a part of my identity—that there’s something wrong with me. I’ve spent my life trying to avoid situations where I’d have to speak, even in places like classrooms or large groups of people. It’s had a grip on me my entire life, and has dictated the way I moved through the world.

My sister called me today and said, “watching you go on the Kelly Clarkson show actually changed me, because now I think ‘if Erin can go on the Kelly Clarkson Show I can do anything.’” I feel the same. I don’t feel held back by my shortcomings anymore. And I know my prayers beforehand blanketed me with a quiet confidence I can’t get anywhere else.

We had to fly back to Charleston that same night, so after some pizza and celebratory champagne at my cousin Kim’s place, we were off to the airport with our giant check.

The next morning, I woke up in my own bed. It was all over, just like I’d wished two days before. And I didn’t feel how I thought I would—yes I was relieved, but also a bit melancholy that it was all over, like I was Cinderella and my carriage had turned back into a pumpkin. It was truly once-in-a-lifetime experience, one we’ll all remember forever.

The show airs in May, but we don’t want to watch it. That’s a whole other level of exposure therapy!!!